I'm tired...

I feel so tormented about what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be unhappy, but I don't know what the right choice is.

My Reverse Okeetee corn snake died recently. I buried him behind the laundry room of the apartment building I live in. He had a nasty looking dark green spot on his belly, near his rear. I don't know what that was, but it looked bad. I sent my Creamsicle corn snake to a lady in California who can hopefully get it back on its feet. It has the same symptoms the Reverse Okeetee did. Hopefully it will get better. It should arrive at her place today. I keep checking my messages on cornsnakes.com to see if she has gotten it yet. My other two snakes, the Snow Motley and Ghost females, are doing just great. And the snow is getting more friendly. I just handled her for a few minutes today.

I feel like so many people are mad at me. Mad that I am not in WV yet, mad that I am going to WV... I just want it to stop - I don't want to feel bad anymore.

On a Different Path Now

I'm in the process of moving across the country to a place I have never been before. It's scary to stop and consider what I am doing. Part of me thinks I might be acting in haste, but I have never felt more secure than I do now. That's probably thanks to him. He makes me feel beautiful, and also smart and accomplished even though I just flunked myself out of college.

My parents think I am doing the wrong thing and that's probably why I am so nervous, since it is their view I have relied on up until now, but at this point I don't know what options I have left to me. I can't afford to live in this sunny spot of earth on my own. And since I am not in college, they won't be supporting me. Actually, I can't afford to live anywhere, since I have no income. He says I can get a job over there looking after the elderly that will pay decently enough. I'd like that a lot. We will be living with his parents until we can save up enough to live elsewhere. Someday, he says, we can get a house in the woods. He even suggested building it ourselves. If we do that, my foray into architecture won't have been a complete waste of time and money. I think it would be nice to live in the woods someday, close to nature.

I had a strange dream the other night about going there with him. I was with a girl that might have been him, but I can't say for sure. We were very close. Not like friends, but close as if I was half of her or she was half of me. I knew her thoughts and feelings as if they were my own. It was oddly comforting, being split into two beings like that.

Just Finished the Cherry Leaf Scarf

Of course I couldn't just take a picture of me wearing the scarf - I had to include one of my pets. So, besides the completed Cherry Leaf Scarf, is my Reverse Okeetee Corn Snake. It's really young, and doesn't have a name yet.

Anyhow, back to the scarf. I used #5 US needles and I completely went through 2 balls/skeins/whatever of RY Cashsoft DK Classic Yarns. Each contained 50g and 130m/142yards. Fiber content: 57% extra fine merino, 33% microfibre, 10% cashmere. And last but not least is their price - they cost $8.50 apiece... plus tax of course. But I recommend the yarn highly. It's so luxurious and nice to work with.

Bags Bags and More Bags

Well, I decided it's about time to put up pictures of the little Amulet Pouches I've been making. They are made from scrap sock yarn and other such type materials. I used a few loose wood beads I had on hand to dress them up a bit.



Here is the first one I made. I threw it in the wash to make it felt just a tad. And since I made it just for me, I used polished bones for decoration. I am usually the only one who thinks bones look pretty. The colors remind me of a ripe plum or pomegranate. Yummy.


And here is the one that was the most satisfying to make, since I knitted it up using yarn that I spun myself. It's a good feeling, when you creat all the components of a project yourself. I made it while at Shell Beach one day. It's going to be a no-special-occassion-present for my mom.

Loss

It's still hard for me to believe that my cat, Candle, is gone. He shared 15 years of my life - almost as much as my younger brother. It's strange how his death hasn't sunk in for me. I feel it most during the early morning. I often wake up crying over him. Last night I had a dream that when he died, I would bring him back to life. But he just kept dying, so I kept on bringing him back to life. The more he died, the less amount of time he stayed alive before I would have to bring him back again. The last time I brought him back to life he looked at me and I saw that he looked terrible. His face was all droopy and distorted, but his eyes were just like I remembered them - he always could look me in the eye and "tell" me things and this time, he seemed to be saying clearly with those eyes: "Let me go." I woke up sobbing.

Knit Ladybug and Honeybee Coin Purses

I made this today from a pattern I bought at the Village Spinning & Weaving shop in Solvang. Knitting under the influence of an energy drink like Red Bull is quite inspiring. The pattern I bought is for a ladybug, but I like bees better than ladybugs, so I altered it a little. I just changed the color and the finishing, nothing to it really. It's smaller than the examples in the store, but no matter. I love it. Now I have to make three more (of the ladybug version) as gifts.

I considered posting the pattern I used here, but that might be illegal...

Here's a link to a site that was printed in the back of the pattern: Fiona's Friends